A glimpse

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Have you ever been suddenly struck by a moment that just feels like you’re suddenly you again? A moment where you have a glimpse of a feeling that says, “Hey, I’m still here”. That’s the Matrix. I’m just kidding. We’ve been watching too much Matrix lately just to be able to watch the new one. I am getting sidetracked.

On Saturday, we went for a hike at Wallace Falls. If you don’t live in the Pacific Northwest or have never done this hike. It’s stunning. And I especially love it in the rain. It’s a foresty mountain hike adjacent to a rapid river with the most spectacular view of the waterfall three times along the way. We made it to the middle falls this time. The rushing sound of the water, the birds chirping, and the way the raindrops fell against leaves and dripped off each time the rain came through was enough to make me realize that I’ve been in such a fog.

But what really set me into a moment of lucidity, was a younger girl, maybe in her teens, maybe early twenties. She was wearing a cropped white t-shirt and leggings with a flannel shirt tied around her waist. Her hair was blond and wavy. She stepped in front of the waterfall for a photo with her friend, and just as she fluffed her hair and posed for the camera, that feeling hit me. It was like coming up for air.

For the past five years, I’ve been in a haze of hormones and anxiety induced by three pregnancies, postpartum emotions, stressful, horrific world news, and trying to figure out where I fit into all of this. I haven’t been myself in so long, I didn’t even know she existed anymore. I didn’t even know she was missing. That’s the saddest part.

But even my husband said there was a shift on Saturday, and that he saw a part of me he hadn’t seen in a while. That part of me is free and easy and calm and happy, excited about living, goofy and fun and enjoyable to be around. That part of me is the person I want around on a daily basis no matter how difficult things get.

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