I make decisions about people very quickly. And when I make these decisions, I choose whether I like you or I don’t, if I want to be friends or not. And when I want to be friends, I am all in 100%.
But I have a problem. The problem is never that I am not all in. My heart dives deep into friendships and relationships in a single instant. My problem is showing this love to the people I want to be in relationships with. I am timid with my love. I am anxious. I hold back, worried about how the other person perceives me. I dip my toes in the water slowly to make sure it’s not too cold.
I am not the type of person who will meet you and be comfortable to start calling and having full-blown conversations or text funny pictures or Instagram videos. Even with my family, I tend to hold back, to hide my emotional commitment behind a physical restraint. I am the type of person who loves fiercely but cautiously because I am, selfishly, always guarding my own heart.
And I wish I wasn’t. Because maybe if I was more open and free with my love, I’d be a better friend. Maybe guarding my heart doesn’t hurt me, but it never helps either. It doesn’t give the other person any reason to continue on with the friendship, and maybe, in some cases, it actually makes them want to pull away.